ANALYZING THE "FRIENDZONE"

   The "friendzone", or friendship zone, consists of having feelings for a person who does not share them, and who prefers to continue with a friendship. In most cases, people who inspire desire are not aware of the situation and send the fledgling person to the "friendzone." The result is inevitably frustration, being unable to complete this desire or attraction.

Once the so-called friendzone is established, it is difficult to go beyond that point, generating a situation of asymmetry or imbalance where a person is romantically or sexually attracted to another, who does not feel that attraction. There may be a neurobiological basis for these relationships to be established.

  The term was popularized by an episode of the american television show Friends, in episode 7 of the first season (aired on November 3, 1994), where Ross Geller's character (David Schwimmer) was in love with Rachel Green (Jennifer Aniston). While talking with his friend Joey Tribbiani (Matt LeBlanc), he declared that Ross had not only been placed in the friendzone, but was also appointed president of the friendzone. The question of whether a man can escape the area and start dating one of his friends was a main ingredient in Ross and Rachel's relationship.

  But let's analyze the "friendzone phenomenon" in depth:

  The expression "to have butterflies in the stomach" is well known to make it clear that a person is truly attracted to another, and therefore, experiences a wealth of emotions, nerves, anxiety, etc. Actually these "butterflies in the stomach" are caused by the release of adrenaline, which in this case moves blood from organs such as the stomach, to the muscles, which produces that sensation in the stomach. Some claim that this may also explain the fact that some people lose appetite when they feel deeply in love or "lovesick"

  At a biological level, the tendency to enclose people within the friendzone is usually linked to the maturity of the brain. The frontal and prefrontal cortices, responsible for controlling impulses, do not mature until 20 years. In addition, the levels of some hormones, such as testosterone, are quite high in youth and in the early stages of adulthood, so people tend to be more impulsive when choosing a partner. When passing the barrier of 30-35 years, however, the tendency is to be more reflective and, in addition, generally tending to leave the “friendzone” aside, at those ages people focus more on looking for someone who  they are comfortable with, and that makes them happy, stability is more sought by leaving other issues aside.

  Now, let's focus on other clearly biological factors:

  Without distinction of sex or sexual orientation, everyone is prone to be "friendzoned"; English geneticist Angus John Bateman (1919-1996) stated in 1948 that in most animals, females, more selective than males in terms of the greater investment they make in the production of gametes, in development and care of the descendants, they choose the males with whom they copulate, unlike the males, who would only attend to copulate with the largest number of females (what is known as The Bateman Principle). Or to understand it better: for example in all species with 2 sexes, each one with different sexual characters, one of the sexes will inevitably have to devote more rigor to the production of offspring. In mammals, females can only have a limited number of offspring, while males can have virtually unlimited offspring. This leads males to be competitive, and females to be selective, that at the biological level, where reproduction is the primary objective. Although nonetheless, these behaviors are also appreciated in the human species, but in this case not only biological factors, but also psychological or even social factors are involved.

  Any person can be attracted to another, and comes to idealize her/him as a potential and appropriate partner, although this is not entirely true (when someone is idealized it is difficult to realize for example, that you have nothing in common with that someone or that she/he is not really as you think).

Humans select our partners based on how similar they are with our personalities, interests, tastes or desires, so when someone is "friendzoned" it is not because they have been very friendly or kind or because they are simply not physically appreciated, rather it is an incompatibility, which does not place it on the list of possible partners, but nevertheless does place it as an “ally”. Very often, we long for things that seem unattainable, because we do not want our freedom to appear to have limits, hence some suggest that if someone wants to be taken into account by that person who loves as a possible partner, perhaps, in addition to having into account all the above explained, you could try to look a little more unattainable, obviously without exaggeration, meaning: less available and at the same time giving a certain feeling of being unattainable. 

  In the psychological field, the "friendzone" is a state of stagnation in which two people who maintain a friendly relationship stay there, unable to evolve into a sentimental relationship, despite the emotional ties that arise. One of the main causes of this effect is our tendency to establish everything according to categories ruled by prototypes, which are usually created during childhood and adolescence. These prototypes are applicable to many situations and also to relationships between people. These categories can be dynamic or static. The most dynamic people do not usually have problems to change those categories, while others, at the moment they categorize someone, are not able to see it in any other way, no matter how much the relationship advances. There is a deep-rooted popular belief that seems to establish an unbreakable principle of human relations: lovers can be friends, but friends cannot be lovers. This rule has become so entrenched in our collective imagination that two people know each other so much without having been romantically involved that they will not have the opportunity to date as a couple, have sex or let the relationship continue to develop into more intimate areas.

Can there be friendship between the sexes? That is, are we humans capable of being able to have sincere friendship with people of the opposite sex that we could potentially be attracted to? Of course we are, and we have to be clear about a concept, referring to human relationships: affection is not equal to attraction. Possibly, this is the main reason why we are often caught up in a relationship that is not exactly what we want. Several investigations have concluded that attraction between friends of the opposite sex is common, and is more often perceived as a burden than as a benefit. Similarly, men tend to feel more attracted to their friends, in addition to consider having a non-formal relationship with them; meanwhile women prefer to abstain, and even more so when they have a partner. It is also worth noting that the messages given by people of the opposite sex are perceived in a different way, especially in men, who tend to misunderstand women's messages.


  In conclusion, everything seems to point to the fact that friendship between individuals of different sexes is impossible, by verifying that one of the parts, when not both, ends up at some point developing a different degree of sexual attraction (a concept with which I personally do not agree altogether). In the typical friendship between a man and a woman, the man overestimates the level of attraction that his friend has towards him. And, on the contrary, the woman underestimates the level of attraction that her friend has towards her, which could be different visions of the same situation and/or the source of so many misunderstandings.

  

Josher
November 8, 2019